lirion: (Default)
lirion ([personal profile] lirion) wrote2009-06-11 05:33 pm
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On shyness

Been meaning to post about this for awhile now:

From a post by [ profile] drjon:

"If someone who appears to you to be outgoing, tells you that they are shy, believe them. What you are seeing is their performance face, their coping mechanisms. It may come over as arrogance, be expressed as sarcasm, be over ebullient, or talking too much. It may exhaust them so much that they can't think too straight about the reality of a situation while they are 'performing'. It may not be a good coping mechanism. But it is not proof that they have lied about their shyness."

Just because a lot of people don't see it - I'm good at hiding in plain sight or something - doesn't mean it's not there. However I've finally come to understand that how I feel inside doesn't necessarily reflect in my outward interactions.
Still, this statement resonates.

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 07:44 am (UTC)(link)
I totally get that!

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 07:47 am (UTC)(link)
Thought you might.
It certainly rings true for me.

The bashful quiz result on stalkbook reminded me I'd been meaning to share this.

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 07:53 am (UTC)(link)
Me to a tee

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 07:58 am (UTC)(link)

It is actually quite common for introverts to be mistaken for extroverts. Being introverted means having to develop techniques to cope with people, and some people learn to do this very well. So, sometimes people skills are the result of introversion, not extroversion.

I've been told many times that I'm an extrovert, which is very far from the truth.

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 08:53 am (UTC)(link)
So very, very true - I'm extremely shy and the thought of meeting new people makes me a nervous wreck. However I have pretty good social skills (even if I do say so myself :) and they only exist because I knew I had to deal with the rest of the world somehow. Most of my social ability comes from working in retail and customer service industries where I *had* to at least appear friendly and welcoming. Most people would laugh to hear me say I'm an introvert but that's only because they can't see me holding my fears in check.

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 11:06 am (UTC)(link)
Agreed. The amount of times people say to me something like, 'You're an interovert!?!? No way. You're so outgoing.

Yes, I am outgoing when I need to. I had to learn to be outgoing so kids didn't spit and bbq me in the playground. It was a learned behaviour, and is certainly not natural.

Although I seem to have no trouble talking to a complete stranger on the internet. :/ Hi!

[identity profile] 2009-06-12 12:48 am (UTC)(link)
Also, for me introversion is a lot about valuing my time alone - I recharge by having solitary time. This doens't mean I can't function around people, but it's not where I source my people energy from.

And if I've been doing a lot of social stuff I start to not function as well until I take a break from folk.
Edited 2009-06-12 00:48 (UTC)

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 08:45 am (UTC)(link)
Oh hells yes. The worst part of my shyness, I think, is that it translates sometimes as a kind of stern aloofness. Which isn't at all what I want to convey, it's just me trying to keep together and not say/do something foolish. Then I get to know someone properly, and feel free to be as foolish as I wish. The mind is its own place... ;)

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 10:36 am (UTC)(link)

[identity profile] 2009-06-12 12:49 am (UTC)(link)
Yeppers. I hear you :)

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 09:40 am (UTC)(link)
My husband is like that. Or was; eight years around me has cured him of much of his inner shyness, not least because he lives with a superior being who makes a point of cherishing him and praising him :-) People are often surprised because he's outgoing, personable and good at people-management (and cat-herding), but those are all coping strategies he taught himself.

I wear public masks (of course I do - forty years as an entertainer, duh), but they aren't for protecting myself from the world, they're for keeping myself apart from all but those who pass the Good Enough for My Gang audition. No surprise there, what with the sociopathy and the INTJ an' a' tha'...

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 09:50 am (UTC)(link)
'k, I just went and read the original post, or at least, the post you quoted from, and am blinking lots: And finally: there is a hierarchy in inter-actions which means someone who is well known to a group is facing a room full of strangers. You may see them as a celebrity. They see themselves as someone desperate for a familiar face. I have lost count of the number of 'arrogant' authors, editors and academics I have come across who turn out to be really lovely people when not surrounded by thirty people they have never met before.

Um, I can't speak for all others by any means, but I always viewed those thirty - or 300, or 3,000, etc. - people-I'd-never-met-before as either potential acolytes, cattle to be manipulated, or both.

Mind you, putting me in front of a room of exclusively female strangers would jam my circuits a bit. Women en masse are for the most part odd, empty creatures. And they smell funny. Ew.

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 09:54 am (UTC)(link)
This would be why I only quoted the intial paragraph, yes.

That said, I've bene told by various people that a) I have presence and b) I am arrogant or aloof at social gatherings. So keeping aside the 'celebrity' nature, I do udnerstnad about the comofort of a fmailiar face.

But really the first paragraph was the one I liked.

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 09:58 am (UTC)(link)
Well, you do have presence! I can attest to that. But arrogant/aloof? Nope. You're just reasonably discriminating! Also, you smell fine :D

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 10:35 am (UTC)(link)
Yup. This one fits me too.

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 04:28 pm (UTC)(link)
I think social confidence often get confused with introversion/extroversion. Introversion isn't about whether or not you are a shy person, though shyness is often a function of introversion. Introversion or extroversion are based on levels of cortical arousal in the brain. Introverts tend to have a high level of resting arousal so are easily overwhelmed by loud noises, new situations and sudden movements, which tends to make them a bit more retiring but not necessarily inherently "shy". However extroverts don't have a lot of resting arousal so usually seek stimulation from their environment, often through outgoing behaviour.

[identity profile] 2009-06-12 12:51 am (UTC)(link)
This is why I can say with certainty that I am an introvert.

It's a point I've had to argue even with close friends on a number of occasions. Some people simply do not get it.

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 11:33 pm (UTC)(link)
So which would you guess of me? I don't know if I come across as introverted or not.

[identity profile] 2009-06-12 12:51 am (UTC)(link)
I'm talking about shyness not introversion.

Very different things.

[identity profile] 2009-06-12 01:14 am (UTC)(link)
Oh I agree, I'm just curious. Maybe on both points then.
Do you see me as shy or not and do you see me as introverted or not.
I think the discussion in a way was about the fact that shyness does not always come across as introversion. I know whether I'm shy or not (though i'm interested which others think I am), but in a way, more relevant is whether others see me as introverted or extraverted as that's the part I can't tell just by self examination.

[identity profile] 2009-06-12 08:59 am (UTC)(link)
'It may come over as arrogance, be expressed as sarcasm, be over ebullient, or talking too much. It may exhaust them so much that they can't think too straight about the reality of a situation while they are 'performing'. It may not be a good coping mechanism.'


*is exhausted* thanks for posting this. You are ace. *hugs*

[identity profile] 2009-06-12 05:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Hear hear. I've been doing the same for years.